Although I didn’t know this when I started meditating. I found myself at an Ashram almost 14 years ago sharing a room with a seasoned spiritual roommate. I’ll never forget it because we spoke many years later and she said, my god when I first met you you were so fucked up you couldn’t complete a sentence without getting distracted. True story and she was right, I suffered from insomnia, anxiety, aggression this is how my imbalances manifest emotionally for me. And I came to the shores of that ashram on my knees, seeking a better way to exist. I was desperate for answers and I wanted them quickly. I was tired of feeling like this all the time. I was exhausted, and I was ready to surrender to whatever power I needed to in order to feel better.
But I’m here to tell you there’s nothing quick about Self realization – it’s hard and requires discipline which I certainly didn’t have, not only could I not complete a sentence structure in a cohesive manner I also could not sit still for five minutes much less 20!
When I first started meditating I became somewhat addicted to the release of mental trauma that had built up over my life. Once I became aware this could happen in meditation, every time I would sit more and more stuff would come up. Things I hadn’t thought about since I was a child, and I would feel it rise the emotion, the memory, the deeply seeded, what I would describe as grief, and then I would breathe deeply and there it went out – gone – bye. I could feel the release and I would just feel better, lighter even.
How come no one ever told me this? I, like many westerners, really didn’t understand meditation or breathing. To be honest, all I knew was the more I did it the better I felt. I came to that ashram with a lot of mental and emotional baggage and I dropped 500 lbs off by the time I left. But I wasn’t even close to being done; this is a journey I’ll be on until I leave this form. At least, let’s just say I have a lot of Karma and we’ll leave it at that.
This happened just practicing 20 minutes morning 5:30 am and night 6pm. Here comes the discipline thing. I had always been so proud of my attitude – I do what I want when I want, I really owned that identity. But at this time in my life that attitude wasn’t serving me too well, I needed structure in my life. Ashrams have a schedule based on ideal times to meditate, eat, do asana. This was so new to me. I didn’t realize the value of it until I got home and started to incorporate the daily Yogic living routine into my life. I went from zero discipline to an intense level of discipline. This was what I needed at that time. Now it’s much more relaxed, but it was the training I needed in the beginning. The mind likes to know when things start and when things end, so by having certain times to do things we create a pattern in our consciousness.
You’re retraining your habits, as you all know we are a collection of our habits. This is called drona in Yoga, you have deep grooves in your consciousness that have be reformatted. These practices change your consciousness, they liberate your mind and release you from your past mental afflictions and remove toxic thoughts and therefore toxic behaviors from your mind. But first, you have to deeply surrender, and I mean surrender your ego. And ask for guidance from the source which I know sounds religious, but the source is you, it’s just covered by years and years of experiences and not only in this life. Like I said this is work, but it has to be done in order to get to the roots, the deep roots and grooves of what motivates our behavior and what really creates perceived limitations and the source of our suffering.
Meditation is the ultimate purification practice. It is the way to become more powerful because you cast aside the ego for the Self, and once rooted here we operate on a different frequency. One without fear, and this gets back to why I was in the condition I was in : the all-pervading fear. The fear of being judged by others if I were to try something. ‘What if I don’t’ make it, what would people say and think?’ Through this practice, I realize we are all projecting our insecurities on to one another all the time. And I’m able now to see clearer, the veil is gone, and now I just do. I have liberated myself past that limited thinking. The practice of meditation allows you to stop following the thoughts and to become aware of what you’re thinking and to stop them when they no longer serve you. It creates awareness of your thoughts and mental patterns.
I never would have been able to start KHUS + KHUS before meditation. I just didn’t have the ability to focus, and push through my limited mindset. Meditation gave this to me, it gave me true power and a deeper understanding of life and it cures me whenever I feel stressed or out of balance. I have tools now that I never had before to help myself out of the funk.
And to think of all that time I wasted. If someone had just said, sit still, be in stillness, don’t move, it’s okay not to move and be with yourself. sit with all the mind-stuff that’s bothering you and allow it to release, and let it leave your mind and body. That’s all you have to do to feel better, live better, and access your inherent power and wisdom.
BE STILL. STOP THINKING, it’s okay to let go of what doesn’t serve you anymore. Step into your power, own it, feel it, live it. There’s no searching, no seeking you are this power it is your birthright all you have to do is uncover it.
Just sit in silence. You are the teacher and the peace you’re seeking is within you.